


Trolling the Ultramarines

by MA7



Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 17:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10365660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MA7/pseuds/MA7





	

One by one the Imperium space marine fleet took every Tau controlled planet within easy reach of the Fortress Station, fortifying every planet with reinforcements from the Imperial Guard and Imperial Navy.

The Fortress Station was now completely cut off from Tau reinforcements and would have to make do with the forces they already had.

With the Tyranid hive fleets rampaging through the Tau Empire, the Tau could ill afford these terrible losses and their fleets were pulling back from the entire region to fight against the much greater threat of the Tyranids.

On the Ultramarines flagship the assembled chapter leaders and company captains celebrated their victories over the Tau. Who were faggots now huh?

The assembled space marines reviewed the strategic Intel to decide their next move, consulting the codex astartes to decide what to do next. The codex astartes was an all round excellent book (ignore what the Space Wolves, Salamanders, Imperial fists and other chapters say to the contrary) written by Roboute Guilliman, the Ultramarines primarch and universally accepted as the greatest, best, manliest and most awesome primarch of all time (again you should ignore the laughter from the other 8 original loyalist chapters and their successor chapters).

The Codex Astartes was a wonderful book that set out the not at all stupid idea of reducing all Space marine chapters to no more than 1000 members. It also had the added bonus of telling the space marines everything they needed to do in any situation, saving their minds from the laborious task of thinking for themselves. The fact that the Tau and every other technologically advanced faction in the galaxy (Orks, Tyranids and Necrons don't count) had obtained a copy of the book to anticipate the space marines every move was not considered to be sufficient reason to stop using the book, and the Ultramarines wisely continued to rely on the 10,000 year out of date book to tell them what to do now.

The book clearly recommended that they use a number of no longer available technologies to... to? Kiss the enemy? The space Marines looked at each other in confusion and summoned a librarian to decipher the meaning.

"It's a typo you morons, KILL the enemy not KISS them!" The librarian respectfully shouted at the wise space marines.

Ok so they should use technology that no longer exists to kill the enemy. Simple.

"That class of starship has been out of production for 9,000 years you fools!" The tech marines respectfully jeered when the Ultramarine captains requested the technology.

The Ultramarines scratched their heads and poured through the codex astartes to find some alternative they could use. The 10,000 year old book was strangely silent about how to fight the centuries old Tau Empire!

The space marines sent out astropath messages requesting a certain model of warship that was recommended by the codex astartes, just in case someone happened to have one.

The message was quickly answered.

"We have 3 of those ships" said a space marine in crimson armour.

"Excellent, please send them to us." The Ultramarines said happily.

The figure in crimson laughed and said, "no way faggots, the Word Bearers Chaos Space Marine Legion isn't giving you shit. Go suck a cock you losers, Robert Girlyman is not even worthy to suck Lorgar's cock!"

The word bearers kept calling them faggots until the Ultramarines hung up in a rage! We are NOT faggots! Why did people keep calling them faggots? It wasn't fair!

The Ultramarines sent out a very emphatic astropath message to the entire Ultimar Segmentum, telling everyone in no uncertain terms that they were NOT faggots! Surely THAT would show them!

***

All across the Ultimar Segmentum, Chaos forces fell on the floor laughing at the latest insecure message from the Ultramarines.

The Chaos forces from every tiny little warband and faction within astropathic range eagerly responded with messages of their own. The Ultramarines were always great fun to astropathically troll, their huge egos and crippling insecurities compelling them to respond in the most hilarious ways.

One of the funniest responses came from the leader of an Emperor's Children warband:

"As a "faggot" myself I resent the implementation of being compared to an Ultramarine. I sucked 100 cocks this morning and am currently wearing a pink dress, but I am more manly than these losers will ever be. Stop using faggot to describe Ultramarines, they deserve far worse insults than that. - By the way, I think I just saw Girlyman performing fellatio on Fulgrim."

Chaos Space Marines from all 9 traitor legions and from numerous renegade factions were rolling around on the floor howling with laughter as the Ultramarines spluttered in outrage and stammered to think of a suitably cutting response.

The Ultramarines sighed in relief when astropathic messages from the Space Wolves came to their rescue:

"Our Ultramarine Brothers are worthy of respect and should be honoured for 10,000 years of dedicated fighting. They have battled and strove for millennia and the Space Wolves acknowledge this dedication. It cannot have been easy to spend the last 10,000 years fighting so hard to stay in the closet and we should not rush them to get on their pride float! Be patient with them, you might hurt their feelings if you kick down the closet door for them!"


End file.
